what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I supernannyed him into submission
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
