Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
