you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
