did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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