I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
