She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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