Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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