I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
