Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
