My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
