Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
