So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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