The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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