She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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