You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
