I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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