I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize