he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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