no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
