I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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