my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
