I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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