Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize