I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
