i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
