I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he puts the penis in happiness.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
