i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
What drink are we having for lunch?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
