I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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