if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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