Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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