I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
