New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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