I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
