so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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