She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
