too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
