Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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