You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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