i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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