I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
