What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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