you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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