i just sent this text using only my big toe
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize