Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
time to smoke my breakfast
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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