I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
