I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
