if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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