Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
