I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
