I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
