Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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