At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
