If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
