Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
