would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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