conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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