before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
